Saturday, September 19, 2009

"One man’s trash"

(7:30 pm, Day 28 of Ramadan 2009)

The sky a streaky slate, I can still make out bats in their nightly flight, winging their way towards dinner across the rooftops. I finish filling a bucket at the faucet out back and bring it inside to fill up my water filter, passing my brother as he wipes the crumbs from his evening breakfast off of the table and onto a metal platter. Every day sunset comes one minute earlier, so the rest of us are done already with our coffee and bread, the time for breaking fast now almost a half an hour ahead of where we started over three weeks ago. Seven-thirty doesn’t seem so late for the sun to be setting, and I am startled to realize we are nearing October, and in other parts of the world that means it’s almost autumn. Here though the only signs of changing seasons are the growing number of sunny days, clouds higher in the sky, fewer power outages, and increasingly frequent talk of going back to school.

It was perfect timing then when Wednesday just before sunset a truck showed up at the community center in town loaded full with boxes of school supplies. Through a work connection with the city’s main women’s group, a Spanish NGO had generously sent the materials by boat from the Canary Islands, and I was called in by the adjunct mayor to help supervise the receipt of the donation, inventory everything, and help decide how it should be divided up between the city’s schools.


When the head of the women’s group said she wanted my help, my first thought was actually, “great, as if I don’t already have enough work…” but once we started inventorying I felt proud to have been called into action as a privileged party, and could not deny the importance of the job I was being asked to do. An elite group we were, just three ladies from the women’s group, my counterpart and the ministry of youth agent, my counterpart’s son and the community center caretaker. The men did most of the lifting and sorting while the women scanned contents and labeled boxes. I kept notes on how many boxes of each kind of material we had, and also served as a kind of cultural anthropologist, as a few items were not so familiar to the Senegalese. I almost laughed out loud when the head of the women’s group triumphantly declared a particular box to be full of cans of disinfectant, when upon closer inspection I found it in fact to be hundreds of bottles of spray-on fake snow. I had a hard time explaining the exact purpose of that one to people who’ve never seen snow except on TV and who don’t even live in houses with glass windows.

Besides the excitement of knowing that so many more kids would be better equipped for learning this school year, I was thoroughly amused at the range of materials that these Europeans had deemed “out-dated” and “give-away”, laughing at how similar all of them were to what I knew growing up. I was transported back to third grade by a box of double-side holed, connected-but-perforated-at-the-top-and-bottom computer paper, as I remembered vividly the printer for our old Mac LCII using it when I was still playing “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” on a black-and-white screen.


Watching these Senegalese discover their treasure was like seeing a group of scientists uncover a lost civilization, and I was the time-traveler caught in the middle, translating. But even with my intervention, it became evident that not everything would be used here as it had been intended there. A case of miniature magnifying glasses was not set aside for science classes but instead labeled “toys,” and glossy fax paper rolls were proclaimed “wrapping paper.” Poster paper, I was told, was not used for collages or science fairs but generally folded in half to make folders, and rubber bands were set aside to give to hairdressing salons - “for braiding.” Fortunately notebooks and pens are timelessly fashionable, even if everyone in Spain is long done being excited by Bon Jovi three-ring binders and Ricky Martin pencil cases.

After two days of systematic work, I counted a total of 475 boxes, give or take a few, including:

103 boxes of assorted kinds of binders and folders
52 boxes notebooks
26 boxes markers
25 boxes pens
5 cases pencil cases
5 boxes erasers
2 boxes push-pins
1 box kids backpacks
2 boxes mechanical pencil lead
0 boxes mechanical pencils
2 boxes fake snow


The tricky part now will be the dividing of the bounty, for which I’m sure there will be much discussion and hopefully not too much begging. (FYI there are 7 primary schools in my city, 3 middle schools and a high school.) So I’m interested to see how it’s going to go, and whether or not it will all just be given away, or if it will be, as one of the women mentioned, sold at a very minimal price. This was my first hands-on experience with charitable aid, and my only big let-down was my surprise at how little time it took the receivers of that aid to go from being excited over the gift to being critical of its contents. No sooner had we gotten fifty boxes in that they started to complain that there were too many binders, and in the end they were disappointed because there were no shoes. We were standing in a room half full to the ceiling with boxes of things they had just been given, and there they were looking the proverbial gift horse in the mouth. It made me just a little bit more jaded about development work.

I was also deeply saddened to learn that the Smurf pens didn’t work.
On the upside, a few thoughts:

1. Fasting is much easier when you spend the day doing interesting work.
2. “Boligrafo” is the word for pen in Spanish, and “archivadore” means binder.
3. “Mee-Kay” is a well-known character even in West Africa, as long as you don’t pronounce his name “Mickey”.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

09/09/09

“I always hope that you remember
We'll never really learn the meaning of it all
What we have is strong and tender
So hold on”

“It’s about faith…” - Sade

Believing in something. Your work. Your family. Friends. Love. A greater power.
The promise of tomorrow.

Beliefs shape our world and keep us going, moving forward, looking ahead. Being here I have come to question myself over and over, what it is that I believe, my motives and my motivations, who this person really is who I call “me.” And usually a certain amount of introspection is a good thing, helpful growth. But the solitude and lack of structured work during these last few weeks has affected me negatively, with my perspective leaving me frustrated and angry, feeling that in this context of the holy Muslim month of Ramadan, where so many around me are searching for a closer connection to their spirituality, no one seemed to be respecting my right to believe what I believe, or valuing the individualism so sacred in my home country, itself founded under a creed of religious freedom.

The incessant questions of whether I was fasting and why not were wearing on me, and I felt myself under attack every hour of every day. I realized most Senegalese were just making conversation, pointing out one more difference that makes me stand out, not meaning to demean me or throw stones. But despite acknowledging the harmless nature of their questions, it just seemed too much to me, to add this to the already constant daily barrage of questions about where I’m going, what I’m doing, where my husband is, and when I will ever be able to cook fish and rice.

I thought the fact that I was white would be enough to excuse me from fasting, but even when I told people straight out that I was not Muslim, I was still pressured to fast “out of solidarity.” I decided to go ahead and fast for a few days, as I genuinely wanted to join in with my family and please them, but even then on days I was fasting I was ridiculed more often than not, only receiving nods from a few (my family, namely) for my willingness to want to share in one of their most important yearly rituals. Consequently after only a few days of Ramadan I started to become a much uglier person than I usually am, resentful of everyone who crossed my path. I began to wish that I could just spend every remaining day of the month holed up in my room in silence, lying on my bed in the fetal position, not having to go out and talk to anyone. I didn’t feel like writing emails or calling the States or writing on this blog. The effort to connect seemed too difficult.

The realization that I didn’t have the desire to get up and be a real person made me even angrier, angry at myself for my seeming inability to get over my issues and just keep moving. I lived through Ramadan in Senegal last year, after all. Why should this year be any different?

Maybe it's because I have been year a year and a half now, and the novelty has worn off. A year and a half of being under constant scrutiny has not been easy. Also it could be that I’m feeling more vulnerable and alone in my identity as an American, as my sitemate is COS’ing, (Close Of Service), leaving the country next week. The one other PCV living in my city, over the last year she was my closest American friend in country, my constant companion, my ear, my shoulder, my cards partner and go-to person for every small emergency, and now she’s finished her term, going back to the States, and I am left alone to face the last seven or so months of my service. Well technically, I will only be the only volunteer at my site just for the next six weeks, because in October a new SED (Small Enterprise Development) volunteer will be installing. I have no idea what kind of person this will be, or even if it’s a he or a she yet. I only hope we can get along half as well as I did with my COS’ing sitemate. I have to believe that we will. I have to believe that we will make it work.

“Gëm sa bopp.” That’s what my best Senegalese friend told me last night when I asked for advice about how to get out of my slump, how to face the never-ending questions, how to deal with my worry about an uncertain future, how to move forward. We talked for over two hours, as I recounted all my frustrations about dealing with Ramadan from a Western perspective, my unrelenting difficulties as an outsider, my crying need for simple acceptance as who I am. I let it all out, everything that had been weighing on me for weeks. We talked and talked, sharing truths and reasons; I stuttered along in my best Wolof, and the strain gradually lifted. And by the time we said goodnight at one a.m. I felt like I could breathe freely again. Drained but wiped clean, all that stinky funk aired out, I was ready to pick my moping self up and get on with life.

“Gëm sa bopp” means "believe in yourself."
Have faith in you. That’s where it has to start.

Friday, September 4, 2009

slow down, fast

pre-dawn breakfast
makes for quiet mornings

everyone is sleepy

rainy season clouds hover
muddy water lies idly in the streets

mosquitoes take their tithe
morning fades into afternoon

without fish or rice, we nap

until sunset beckons